Mick’s Measures of Manliness

I need to come clean. Today I didn’t ride IRL.

Last week was a bit damp and I’d just done a fresh chain wax and cleaned the bike. I didn’t feel like doing it all over again. I’d also been a bit unwell recently. And there was a World Cup match on. So yesterday, when the weather app told me it was likely to be damp again, I opened my treasure trove of excuses to see what I could pull out.

I was hoping to use “I think it’s my birthday” or “I left my shoes in Dandenong”, but neither seemed appropriate.

So I decided to front-run all my flaws on the WhatsApp group.

I was like Eminem in the final rap battle in 8 Mile. I told the group about my clean bike, how soft I was mentally and how weak I was physically in an effort to take all the ammunition from their scorpion tails when they inevitably tried to sting me for not riding.

It didn’t work for me like it worked for Eminem.

I could still feel their scorn.

Especially Mick’s.

Apparently he has a thing called Mick’s Measures of Manliness. Today I possessed none of the required characteristics.

That’s fine though because I had the best time doing a virtual ride on Zwift with my real friends: username 6.Paq, a person called Manchester United and a guy called Mike Hunt. Nice, Mike. I see what you did there.

The meeting point was at the start of the route but they weren’t there waiting for me, which was fine. It totally didn’t hurt my feelings.

I started the ride alone and before long I had some leeches drafting behind me making me do all the work.

Mick, is that you?

Suddenly I started to feel at home.

One of them gave me a thumbs up.

Man, I wish you’d seen it.

It was great.

We were a team.

Until the next turn when they all went straight and I turned.

Anyway, it wasn’t long before I had another group of leeches drafting behind me making me do all the work.

Mick, is that you again?

More thumbs up.

Everybody was thumbs-upping everybody.

What an inclusive environment we found ourselves in.

At one point we were riding through a landscape full of dinosaurs and I messaged Dave_1972 to tell him it was funny how dinosaurs never attack people on bicycles. I bet they wished they knew that in Jurassic Park.

Silence from Dave_1972.

He must not have connected to chat.

I’m sure he was absolutely LOL-ing.

Dave_1972 left and I found myself riding with Geoffs_iPad until he disappeared up the road with Nigel_Triathlete.

I don’t think they were going to BRB.

My ride was soon coming to an end and I too would need to be AFK.

Off-the-bike coffee chats consisted of me shouting at the kids for playing Xbox before tidying their rooms and discussing what we were going to have for lunch.

Roast chicken.

Fascinating stuff.

I felt bad about not riding because it actually wasn’t that wet.

Or that cold.

And I missed Mick flinging insults at me directly to my face.

I missed feeling safe around Neil whenever we rode past rival gangs.

I missed Chris and Callan occasionally forgetting their own strength and accidentally ripping the legs off the group.

I missed Marco finding another food shop.

I missed seeing Steve, who has been sick and MIA for a little while. Steve, I can’t quit you.

I missed the Sunday Social crew.

And I missed almost being sold Mick’s camper trailer.

Turns out the best thing about a bunch ride isn’t the bike ride.

It’s the bunch.

See you all next week.

Assuming my chain is dirty enough.