Unproductive (According to Garmin)

Today wasn’t the toughest ride on paper, but towards the end I was flirting dangerously with the bonk. The warning signs were there well before the first pedal stroke.

It started the day before with a global Garmin outage that forced me to unpair and re-pair everything. A spiritual test. Then Garmin had the audacity to label me “unproductive” after a very respectable Zone 2 run with my gorgeous wife (important detail, in case she’s reading this).

Pre-ride preparation dinner was Indian takeaway. Not a sensible portion — the kind meant for a small family or light catering. After thoroughly over-eating, I thought I could stop there… or I could finish strong with frozen yoghurt (obvs, I went with this option). None of this had time to digest before bed, so overnight HRV tanked. The final bit of pre-ride prep was the Australian Open robbing me of a solid 2–3 hours of sleep, which Garmin described as “not ideal”. I woke up with an already depleted body battery. Anyone looking to buy a Garmin, I may be selling one by lunchtime.

Hour of Power opted for a longer, punchier route and skipped the usual halftime meet-up with the WCG Sunday Social crew. We braved the headwind out to the You Yangs, did one climb, then headed home via Lara.

On the way back, we rolled passed a rival gang and immediately went into survival mode. We pleaded with Neil — our most muscly rider — to look fresher, purely to discourage our rivals from fighting us to the death. Unfortunately, because Neil is so muscly, he was still very puffed from the climb. Not ideal for intimidation. At this point I fully expected a cleats-on, fight-to-the-death scenario. Instead, we all just waved politely and carried on. They must have been tired too.

Ride nutrition consisted of one medium banana and one large fly. So really, all major food groups covered.

Steve, our general, sat on the front the entire time, calmly doing Steve things. Then, following a brief nature break and an unexpectedly detailed conversation about the risks of bush wees — specifically getting ticks on the “sweet meats” — Steve rolled straight off the front and dropped everyone. The bunch couldn’t bring him back. I suspect the mental image of ticks played a role.

Café chat covered a serious 100km/h crash from the AlUla Tour, 270-degree awnings for 4WDs, buying second-hand bibs in “used” condition, and then everything came to a sudden halt when Mick showed us a deeply disturbing video clip from his phone involving a former footy player and some on-field behaviour involving a ☝️ and a 🍑.

I wasn’t going to say anything bad about Mick today… but that clip came up very quickly. Like it was very recently viewed. Some things you can’t unsee. Thanks, Mick. Appreciate you.

Marco missed the ride and now has FOMO. Be better, Marco.

Post-ride outfit was the Human Diesel hoodie because it was cold and I felt emotionally fragile from the video clips I had seen at the café.

This is why we do it. Same roads. Same crew. Always worth the early alarm ⏰.

And if you’re still buzzing from the ride, legs cooked, coffee in hand and stories getting better by the minute — don’t forget to kit up for the recovery phase. Our post-ride funny cycling t-shirts are designed for exactly this moment: zero watts, maximum laughs. Because the ride might be over, but the banter definitely isn’t 🚴☕️😄

Photo credit: Marco 📸